“Oh, I’m doing better than ever!” my 60-year-old friend declared to me. “Really?” I said, “Because I could swear you just told me that your wife left you, your children aren’t talking to you, and you no longer have a job.” 

“Yep, I’m having a blast.” He said as he stumbled around his new girlfriend’s trashy apartment like a 20-year-old frat boy. He is lying to me. That’s ok. Honestly, I’m far more concerned about how deeply he is lying to himself. 

I can’t tell you how many of these uncomfortable conversations I’ve had with men lately. Many would call it a mid-life crisis. I think that’s a cop-out. The truth is these men were not properly built. Their families, careers, and religious lives are a house of cards that become more unstable year after year. Eventually, with a little wind, the cards tumble and their entire lives fall completely apart. 

Most boys never become men. Sure, their bodies develop into the form of an adult male, and most will likely take a job, marry a woman, and raise children. They may become great athletes, Navy SEALs, or wealthy entrepreneurs, but they may still never become real men.

1 Corinthians 13:11 says, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, and I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

There comes a point in life, where a male makes an intentional choice to become a man and chooses to leave the immature patterns of boyhood behind. These decisions lead to a gradual process of development and maturation that will continue throughout life. The key is to be determined to stay the course. Manhood is a daily decision, not a one-time physiological milestone.  

Many men choose to stay boys–deciding not to grow up and fully own the responsibility of manhood. In the 1980s, Psychologist Dan Kiley called this pattern of behavior “Peter Pan Syndrome.”

While there is no formal diagnosis or symptoms recognized by the medical or psychological communities, Peter Pan Syndrome is a term often used by psychologists to describe a combination of character flaws commonly seen in men.

Peter Pan Syndrome common behavior patterns:

• Narcissism
• Refusal to adopt adult responsibilities
• Dodging commitment
• Blame shifting
• Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
• Reliance on others 
• Avoidance of criticism
• Difficulty expressing emotions
• Uncontrolled compulsive behavior
• Lack of planning or vision for the future
• Inconsistant or unstable work performance

Like Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, many men find themselves in such a self-focussed, pleasure-seeking, responsibility-dodging mindset that they lose touch with reality. They form their own personal Neverland, refusing to fully engage in their real lives happening outside of their fantasy.

This type of behavior is common and (mostly) appropriate for children. They don’t have to be responsible, they don’t have to work, everything is provided to them for free, they have unlimited opportunities to try again when they act out, they get treated like champions for stupid accomplishments; in short, they contribute nothing, and the entire world revolves around them. But a man has to put these attitudes behind. 

Destroy your narcissistic inner child

Where a boy’s core drivers are focussed mostly on himself, a man’s focus is mostly outside of himself. He is submitted to God, accountable to other men and women, and he pours his life into serving and leading others. 

Martin Luther King Jr. said: “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” A self-focussed life is empty and fruitless. Consider the good fruit that comes from investing in your marriage, pouring into your children, contributing in your community, serving in your church, and giving to others.

Take responsibility for your life

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that has begun to adopt marxist values. This ideology promotes victimhood, blame-shifting, and entitlement—all traits of children, not men. Churchill famously said, “The price of greatness is responsibility.” A true man takes ownership of his life, his decisions, and his actions. He takes responsibility for his failures as well as his success.  

Self-Relience

Men have long had reputations for being too independent–meaning they aren’t accountable to mentors or brothers, and they live in isolation as lone-wolves. This trait is a destroyer of men, and is not what I am referring to when I describe self-reliance.

Prior to the industrial revolution, there were boys and there were men. The ideas of “adolescence” and the invention of “teenagers” were not commonly accepted in the culture. You were a boy–a consumer, or you were a man–a producer. 

Today, more than 55% of men age 18-29 still live with their parents. Why? Because boys are refusing to take full responsibility for their lives and become producers. They remain comfortably in the safety net of their childhood home, consuming mom and dad’s resources–more than a decade beyond the socially acceptable norm throughout history.

Did you know that there is no animal in creation that allows physically mature offspring to remain in the nest or den? Once they can fend for themselves, they are sent out to go begin their life. This process obviously works. I do not consider human beings to be animals, but I do think this raises an important question: have we given men too much space between physical/emotional maturity and throwing them out of the nest? 

Think like a man

A man and a boy both desire freedom more than just about anything. The difference is that the boy believes he is entitled to it, where a man recognizes the price attached to it. He realizes that freedom isn’t free. It requires discipline, hard work, persistence, sacrifice, patience, suffering, etc.

A man recognizes that his thoughts are ground zero for what his life will produce. If he thinks in terms of lack, he will have a life filled with lack. If he thinks in terms of abundance, he will live an abundant life. For a Christian, a man is instructed to take every thought captive and bring it under the authority of the word of God. This means a man intentionally cultivates a garden in his mind. He knows that his physical life will produce good fruit–righteousness, peace, and joy, or bad fruit–sin, death, strife, sickness, and poverty; all based on what thoughts he plants or weeds out according to Christ.

Put your feelings in their place

A child is in many ways led by their emotions. The truth is far less important to them than how they are feeling. I am often surprised at how many men I meet who are in their 50’s or 60’s and still live from a place of their feelings, rather than the realities of life.

“I don’t feel like going to work today” or “I’m not feeling very appreciated” may be valid concerns, but they do not get to drive your life. I can’t prove this, but I have a strong sense that most crowning achievements in human history did not occur because someone “felt like it.” 

A man must intentionally deal with his emotions. He must learn how to control (not suppress) them. He must absolutely find healthy outlets to express them, and he must know how to think, speak, and act, separately from how he might be feeling. 

Commit

Lost Boys dodge commitment because they don’t believe their own B.S. Commitment conflicts with the Neverland fantasy of freely doing whatever you want whenever you want. Every man must determine for himself what to commit to and what to refuse, according to his values, discernment, and conviction. Then he must hold himself integreuous with that commitment. Jesus said “Simply let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no.’” Don’t be flaky. Commit to profitable and righteous things and follow through. 

Summary

True freedom comes from discipline, not from denial and fantasy. Joy and fulfillment comes from serving others, not yourself. Stop waiting for life to happen to you and go make something happen with your life. Leave the childish things behind, and go out and be a man.