My face hurts. I’ve been holding a painted smile for nearly two hours. Why? I’m at church. So what? Am I super happy? Actually, no. So why am I smiling? I don’t smile like this at work, home or anywhere else. Why am I smiling? What the hell is wrong with me?

Growing up in the church, my smile was my mask. I put it on to signal that I was good, righteous, and worthy of your approval. My smile was also a shield. I put it up to keep people from prying into my darkness–for surely if they saw my imperfection, they would judge and reject me.

I’ve grown a bit over the years. I’ve come to terms with my flaws and demons. For the most part, I don’t really care what people think of me. So why am I sitting here in the pew with a severe face cramp? Oh that’s just some residue from a lifetime of being a “Nice Guy.”

Being called a “Nice Guy” is not a nice compliment

The word “nice” comes from the Latin word “nescius”, which means “not-knowing”. When the word was translated to Old French in the 12th century, it’s meaning changed to “weak, needy, simple, stupid.”

It turns out, that being considered nice is not really such a nice compliment. But was it ever truly a compliment? Do your remember in high-school when the girl you had a thing for told you that you were “such a nice guy”? How did that work out for you? That’s right. She was rejecting you. While it wasn’t necessarily her intention, it was an emasculating statement about you not being the type of man that she might potentially be interested in breeding with in the future.

Now picture a couple of male friends sharing stories about you at the bar. One man wraps up the story and says “he’s a really nice guy.” How does that sound to you? Wouldn’t you prefer that he said “He’s a real stand-up guy,” or “He’s a total badass,” or “He’s an incredible friend”? Of course you would. 

What is Nice Guy Syndrome?

According to Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” a Nice Guy views his life from the following paradigm: 

“If I can hide my flaws and become what others want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.”

Glover explains that this paradigm–which he calls Nice Guy Syndrome–is formed in childhood as a survival mechanism to cope with abandonment experiences, to try to prevent further abandonment, and to attempt to hide their toxic shame from others. 

This worldview guides and controls the lives of Nice Guys as adults–enslaving them in cycles of habitual people-pleasing, self-hatred, insufficiency, shame, isolation, and resentment. 

Common Nice Guy behaviors

Nearly everything he does is to gain approval or prevent disapproval. He will do anything to avoid conflict. A Nice Guy will let you walk all over him to get you to like him. Here are some common behaviors:

• Covert contracts: giving with an expectation of reciprocity
• Bitterness and resentment towards those who don’t reciprocate
• Seeking external validation
• Passive-aggression
• Avoiding confrontation
• Hiding
• Perfectionism
• Unhealthy views of masculinity
• Discomfort around other men
• Seeking approval/validation of women rather than other men
• Expecting others to meet needs, rather than taking responsibility
• Flattery
• Victimhood and blame-shifting
• Weak boundaries
• Trouble saying no
• Lying
• People pleasing
• Low self-confidence
• Unhealthy enmeshment with their mother
• Hiding behind “good boy” or “bad boy” personas
• Feminist mindsets

Due to dysfunctional or absent fathering, many Nice Guys are uncomfortable around other men, so they seek their validation from women. These men, for lack of a better word, tend to be “mama’s boys who hold a somewhat absurd feminist worldview. They believe that in order to be loved or get their needs met, they must be what the women want them to be. 

Due to his toxic shame, a Nice Guy can’t handle his imperfection, so he never sees himself as good enough for other people. He doesn’t realize that people are ok with imperfection, that it is human, and even a connective dynamic in relationships. 

Nobody likes Nice Guys

One of the saddest realities about Nice Guys is that they spend most of their energy attempting to manipulate people to love them and accept them, but their efforts repel people from them. So they are rejected.

These men don’t view themselves as being worthy of love, friendship, or acceptance, so they become chameleon-like, so people don’t trust them.

Woman can’t stand Nice Guys, which is ironic, because these men seek women’s approval more than anyone. A Nice Guy is so needy, non-confrontational, compromising, and weak, that he can’t speak up for his real desires or needs, but he will expect a woman to magically fulfill them for him. Through a covert contract, he may do all kinds of nice things for her–even smother her with gifts or compliments, but when they are not reciprocated, he will become bitter and resentful towards her.   

How Nice Guys can Break Free

Like all dysfunctional behavior patterns, Nice Guys must decide that they have had enough, and commit themselves to courageously walk through the uncomfortable, but worthwhile process of breaking free. Here are some steps a man can take.

1. Let go of control

One common theme that most Nice Guy mindsets and behaviors fall under is control. Manipulation, lying, hiding, flattery, and people-pleasing are all subconscious control mechanisms used by a Nice Guy to protect himself from rejection, disapproval, or abandonment. This is an exhausting process–especially since it doesn’t actually work. To truly step into freedom, a man must be willing to completely let go and accept himself right where he is at, with all of his imperfections. 

2. Grow in self-awareness of this pattern

Nice Guys need to grow in awareness of the common Nice Guy Syndrome mindsets and behaviors so they can clearly recognize when they are tempted to express them. 

Look for the red flags. If a man catches himself yielding his personal power, needs, will, or boundaries in order to gain love, acceptance, or approval, he must recognize that this is not healthy human behavior, and work must be done to kill it.

3. Challenge the Nice Guy beliefs 

To reclaim his personal power, a Nice Guy must challenge the negative belief system he has held about himself. He deserves a far better life than the Nice Guy worldview has provided for him, so he must grow in governing the fear and insecurities that cause him to act against his own sovereignty and self-worth.

Questions for a Nice Guy to ask himself:

• Will I really get rejected for speaking my honest opinion?
• Will I actually disappoint my friend for saying “no” to something I don’t actually want to do?
• Even if I do disappoint them, is that really my problem, or theirs?
• Does a person actually owe me anything back because I did something for them?
• Did that person actually need or want me to do that thing for them in the first place?
• Will my boss really fire me if draw healthy boundaries around my time or capacity?
• Will my wife really reject me if I expressed my sexual desires or preferences to her? 
• Would my wife really see me as a jerk if I told her where I wanted to go to eat instead of saying “whatever you want is fine.” (Pro Tip: women actually hate that. Never say that).

What if you stopped believing that there was a scarcity of people who would love and accept you, and instead, believed that there was an abundance of these people? 

What if you decided that childhood trauma, abuse, or abandonment no longer gets to dictate your expectations of the kind of life you have as an adult? 

What if you started believing what God says about you in the Bible, rather than the lies the devil has fed you out of your trauma? Your entire identity would change. The fact is, you can love yourself and see yourself as enough. When you believe this, others will believe it too. It all starts with an intentional paradigm shift. 

4. Do the work 

Once a Nice Guy has surrendered control, recognizes his dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors, and has been aligning his thoughts to truth, he must take action.

This is going to be uncomfortable. He has never related to people this way before. He may have never spoken assertively, drawn clear boundaries, or asked a person for what he actually wanted before. This man may have never before prioritized and communicated his own needs before. It’s going to be uncomfortable. That’s ok. It will get easier.

In every interaction, a Nice Guy must remember that he is enough. He does not need external validation to be ok. He needs self-love and self-respect first, so he can pour himself out to others out of the overflow of his healthy identity (as being loved by God), rather than being an empty cup looking to be filled by the individual in front of him.

Because most Nice Guys are almost always mama’s boys, it is crucial that they intentionally create connections with other masculine men. Throughout history, men have always been initiated into manhood through rite-of-passage experiences with other men. Only over the past 100 years have boys been taught how to be a man through mothers and female school teachers (how’s that working out for us?). Nice Guys should find a men’s group and get involved.

It is important for men to not get discouraged if this process takes months and years to master. Remember, he has spent a lifetime serving the lie, and only a short time walking in truth. It’s going to take time to walk in this new way. 

5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help

If a man wants to go to war with his inner Nice Guy, he should try seeking help. Most Nice Guys have massive ego’s. They want to appear perfect, or they don’t want to appear at all. It is important that he realizes that his imperfection is normal, and that needing help is normal too. He should not be afraid to reach out to a trusted advisor, a loving friend, a professional counselor, or a pastor. He should do whatever it takes to come out of bondage and live a free and fulfilling life.